


Harry Potter and the Time He Was Accessory to Murder in the Third Degree

by triangulumkel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 01:31:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18273059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triangulumkel/pseuds/triangulumkel
Summary: based on the tumblr post by lullabyknell, with a few liberties:Harry: I know it’s late and I am just going to spew a whole bunch of shit right now, but stay with me on this, because I think I might be on to something.Ron: Alright, mate, go for it.Harry: I think that THIS year I should be more proactive.Hermione: Oh, yes, please.Harry: I think I should try to kill the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher BEFORE they try to kill me.Ron: …It’s worth a shot.Harry: I know, right?Hermione: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!





	Harry Potter and the Time He Was Accessory to Murder in the Third Degree

Umbridge was certainly the most annoying person in the world, not to mention a terrible teacher, but this, Harry thought privately, was a bit much.

 

Her lifeless body lay spread-eagle on the horrid pink carpet where it’d fallen after Hermione had mercilessly hexed the woman in the throes of rage.She had, she’d explained in a rushed whisper, been meaning only to protest her detention, and one thing had led to another, and well, Umbridge was rather awful anyway, and it wasn’t like Harry and Ron hadn’t dragged _her_ into all sorts of trouble.

 

“Yeah,” Ron said, “But we never killed anyone, Hermione!”

 

“Besides all those Voldemorts, though- “ Harry started.

 

“They don’t count because it’s You-Know-Who,” Ron said, “And only some parts of him anyway.”

 

"The point _is_ ,” Hermione said loudly, "That Umbridge is dead and I'm going to start crying very soon so can we _please_ do something about all this?"

 

Harry and Ron looked at each other and shrugged, then picked up an arm and began dragging the corpse towards the door.Hermione promptly slapped her hand to her forehead.

 

“You can’t just drag a body through the halls!” she hissed.“Someone might see, I could be- I could be _expelled!_ ” And then she really did start crying, which was horrible for everyone involved, but mostly for Ron, whom Harry had shoved at Hermione and was now serving as her support and tissue supply.He patted her back awkwardly.

 

Harry in the meanwhile considered Umbridge’s corpse.She was slightly more tolerable in death, largely because she could neither simper nor cough that horrid little cough of hers.It was as he was considering all the ways this was an improvement that Harry remembered two things: firstly, that he was a wizard, and didn’t need to carry anything heavy, and second, that he had an invisibility cloak, so people seeing things was generally not an issue.Accordingly he cast Wingardium Leviosa, then pulled the cloak out of his back pocket and draped it over the body.Not having to see Umbridge was yet another amazing improvement, he mused.

 

“Better tie something around her arm, mate,” Ron said over Harry’s shoulder.Harry jumped, not having realized that Hermione was no longer in need of emotional support, such that Ron was.Indeed, she was drying her face and approaching their huddle.

 

“Why would I tie something on her?I don’t want to touch her,” said Harry, wrinkling his nose.

 

“That’s why!It’d look pretty weird to just be pointing your wand around at nothing, and you can’t exactly just hold her hand, can you?” Ron said with a visible shudder.

 

“So what, I just string her along like some kind of- some kind of corpse balloon?”

 

“Oh, _honestly,_ ” Hermione scoffed. Her face was still red and blotchy, but she seemed pretty well over the whole murder thing.“We’ll just put a Disillusionment on the rope, too.It’s a bit gruesome, but we can’t very well leave her like this!”

“We wouldn’t have to do anything if _someone_ hadn’t gone and killed a teacher!” snorted Ron.Hermione went very pink and punched Ron solidly in the arm.He winced, but shut up.

 

One macabre walk down to the edge of the Forbidden Forest later, the trio stood once again around the body.

 

“Well,” said Ron, “Now what?”

 

“We’ll have to take her place,” Hermione said decisively.The other two just looked at her.

 

“It makes sense!” she continued.“We can’t let anyone know she’s gone, and her leaving so suddenly would be incredibly suspicious.They’d just cast a Priori charm on her office and find us out-“

 

“Us?” Interrupted Ron indignantly.

 

“Yes, _us_ , you helped drag her out here!”

 

Harry, eager to prevent a loud argument in a very open area, jumped in, saying, “Alright, but before all that, we’ve still got a corpse here.What are we going to do with this?”

 

“Leave it,” Ron said promptly.

 

“No, that won’t do,” Hermione said, frowning.“The centaurs would just tell Dumbledore.There’s no guarantee it’d be eaten before they found it.We can’t bury it for the same reason.No, we’ll have to get it somewhere the centaurs won’t find it.Somewhere it’ll be destroyed so thoroughly no spell can detect it…”

 

She trailed off, deep in thought.Ron, meanwhile, was turning paler and paler.

 

“I’ve a thought, but I don’t like it,” he said.

 

“Oh, no,” said Harry.

 

“Oh, yes!Brilliant, Ron,” said Hermione gleefully.

 

After another horrific walk, during which Umbridge’s body got stuck on several trees, Hermione and Harry were approaching Aragog’s clearing, corpse in tow.Ron had refused to even look at the spiders they’d been following, not to mention actually see the giant acromantulas again.

 

“I’ve dealt with those enough for one life, thank you,” he’d grumbled.“The buggers tried to eat us!” 

 

He’d had a point.

 

The plan, at present, was to float the body into the clearing proper without ever setting foot in it.They were just out of range when Hermione suddenly stopped.

 

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” she hissed.Harry blinked at her.

 

“We need the corpse!For the Polyjuice potion.It doesn’t work with dead things, so… so we’ll just have to reanimate it.”

 

Harry gaped at her.“Are you out of your _goddamn mind?_ ” You’ve just killed her, and now you want to raise her from the dead!”

 

“Well, maybe!I can’t think of any other way to get her DNA just now.I’ve had an awful day, you know!”

 

“ _You’ve_ had an awful day?I’ve just found out my best friend’s a murderer, and now I’m towing a corpse balloon around!”

 

“I’m the one who actually killed someone, Harry!”

 

It was at this point that a resounding crack echoed through the woods.

 

Hermione and Harry slowly looked up.Because of course their day hadn’t been going badly enough, there stood Draco Malfoy, mouth open.He slowly raised one shaking finger to point at the dismal scene, closed and opened his mouth like a goldfish attempting to recite poetry, but before he could make a sound-

 

“Obliviate!” Hermione cried.Draco dropped like a stone.Calmly, she cast Wingardium Leviosa on him, then turned back to Harry.Her face was absolutely still.

 

“We’re going to have to kill him, too,” she said.

 

“What? No, we don’t.You just erased his memories!”

 

She blinked, then looked at Draco.“I suppose I did.No, you’re right, what was I thinking?Perhaps I’ve gotten too used to this killing thing…” she muttered, trailing off.

 

“Right, well, we’d better get him back to the castle before he wakes up,” Harry said awkwardly.He wasn’t really ready to think about Hermione being a stone-cold killer just yet.Horrible as Draco was, he didn’t want to feed him to a bunch of spiders.Only Umbridge and possibly Voldemort deserved that.

 

“Right,” Hermione said, straightening up.She tugged the still-floating Umbridge down, and with a flick of her wand, removed all the hair from the corpse’s head.“Can’t risk having the body around, but the hair needs to grow somewhere, so we’ll just have to graft it to something else,” she explained.Harry nodded and pretended to understand.

 

They dropped the body in the clearing and beat a hasty retreat, not wanting to stick around and risk hearing the proceedings.Harry floated Draco along as they tramped back to Ron.

 

“Bloody hell,” he said, spotting Draco.“Hermione’s got another one?”

 

“I have not!” said the suspect in question.“He’s only unconscious.I’ve Obliviated him, because he saw us.”

 

Ron shook his head.“See, this is how it starts!You Obliviate a witness, and next thing you know, you’re drinking unicorn blood.My mum always said-“

 

What exactly Mrs. Weasley said was lost on Harry, because it was at this point that Draco began to stir.

**Author's Note:**

> hello. i wrote this in a fit of passion, and while i had some Thoughts on how the rest might turn out, i chose to end this bit here. it's been crossposted to my tumblr, ladyknightlesbian, so if you come across it thats me. let me know if you want to see more i guess?


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